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I am enjoying the daily ritual of writing in my log what happens during practice. The positive part is I come out of hiding…my Scorpio moon.
But I notice how pale the words are to the experience…not just pale but arrogant. Borne out of fear.
I can list all the structures that blossomed througout…what I sense as ‘improvement’ or shift of attitude…but really- I don’t know. And the more I try to convince myself I know what is happening the further away I get from the juice.Sometimes it feels like I am trying to convince my father I am really OK on this spiritual path.A very very old story both personally and in this culture of masculine doingness.
It is as if the entire time spent cultivating is to let it all go. What I mean is the ‘moment’ is all I have and each one is pregnant with unique possibilities which can not be replicated…ever!!And they aren’t even coming from me but through me!
Isn’t this awesome?
I hear the Earth whispering…”yes, yes…this is the secret of the Dark….not knowing…not succeeding..not naming…not constructing from the top down.”
And yet there is a lot of suffering to pass through. To release. What I have identified with. The struggles. And others struggles. And the worlds struggles.
The spiritual marketplace has to promise relief, asanas by the ocean, chi kung in the deepest mountains of China, but when you are really in the work it doesn’t matter where you are…there is only this moment and you for better or worse.
There are times I can definitely see how I have ‘gotten better’. I can handle emotions differently, touch, confusion, happiness but really it boils down to surrendering what I think I have gotten all these years to this moment. It is all the earth and this body really know.
I know that feeling very well Barry, as well the tension between hiding and speaking up. That is my number one reason for being here on this forum. To learn to speak, to verbalize, to organize, experiences, feelings, thoughts.
I read your log, and I deliberate don’t make one myself because I don’t want others to look into my silent inner house, yet I admire yours. It even makes me feel like I look into your house from behind the curtain, a bit creepy to take a look into the inner chambers of ones very private domain. Possible because I find it difficult myself to give access to my deepest chambers. No matter how much I reveil here on this forum, there are still silent rooms, no longer dark, but in silence…
and I am still fighting with this friction and I am working towards the day I can shine it all through without fear. That is why this talking, this community and this forum is my little light into my own inner silent world.
Thanks to that I don’t feel alone, it doesn’t feel dark anymore, it gives me strength to work my way to the surface, out of my fears. I feel many of us working towards that new dawn and it strengthens me to know that.Just know that I read your log/words with utmost respect
It definitely sounds as if you’re making progress.
Sometimes it’s hard to see on a day-to-day basis, but any sincere
effort yields long-term rewards.I suspect that your log is very cathartic, and you will value
it even more as time goes on–for then you will have the opportunity
to look back on where you were and realize what you’ve become
in an even sharper fashion.When the time is right, I hope to do the same with my “defunct log”.
Know also that while you benefit from it, so do those of us who
respectfully read your log as you update . . .Blessings to your path,
StevenWITHOUT wanting to sound like Intelligence, it reminds me of quantum mechanics. As in, trying to analyse something affects it, changes it in the act of observing.
Every training I’ve ever had emphasized the importance of keeping a diary, but I don’t keep one now for exactly this reason. I did for a year, to see, but I found that reading back over the entries was for me a very boring experience!
Lao Tzu is very good on this. The first line says it all – to paraphrase, the spiritual experience that can be talked about is not the real spiritual experience.
I also know the ‘convincing your father’ thing. One takes a good deal of the attitudes on board that come from those one loves. If they are doubting they speak to our own doubt – it always oneself that one is really trying to convince.
Maybe Alexander’s recommendation of Core Transformation could help in speaking to any unassimilated ‘father-like’ parts of you, I don’t know. I do agree that wherever you are, there you are. But asanas by the ocean can still be nice!
I can’t think of any specific advice because it is obvious to me you are on the right track. Everything you are saying is right. So there we go!
I do think that if one needs to weep, one should.
love NN
As I read your post, I quietly resonated with deep Earth. Your post was uncontrived, and it worked. I then looked at you blog and some of it felt similarly uncontrived, and other parts did seem written in a forced way of recording to prove.
For awhile on taobums I was recording sessions of shamanic exploration using the method of Focussing (similar to Core Transformations, but not biased to the “light” as is Core Transformations — something I’ll write about…sometime). I was trying to prove the value of the method, and so it became distorted.
Words do fail, the deeper the experience.
I do not write much on the board because I try and respond only when something from my core leaps out, and try and never respond when it is just my monkey mind wanting to add its mark.
In fact, I don’t read many posts completely because they “reek” of the monkey mind. Your board posts, however, usually have a sweet sincerity of the good heart in communion.
thanks,
Chris
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