Owning instead of complaining: after the postings

Hi Wendy,

I’m glad you’ve felt as safe as you have, to be able to share
what you have. Your personal experiences are enriching and
valuable to read.

If I can respond to some of your recent posts simultaneously . . .

>>>I do have wounds from it though, invasions like that are not without scars.

I can imagine.
Maybe some of the recent discussion can be viewed as
additional healing on that end.

>>>One of it is, that I don’t allow myself anymore to go so
>>>deep into meditations, I keep ‘an eye’ on how deep I sink in.
>>>I build a guardian system that monitors the coming and going
>>>of energies and keeps a strong eye of feeling my center.
>>>Doing so I can stretch out as far AS I WANT, yet I am not
>>>losing the inner ground. But I do understand that there is
>>>fear underneath, and that is my next task to deal with.

Makes sense . . .
In my case, I’ve always felt safe as I go within myself (perhaps if
I had an experience such as yours, I’d feel differently).
Most of my fears have traditionally come from being
worried about how I’m perceived and how I imagine
I’m being judged by others, which ends up sort of being
the opposite–rather than being fearful of someone/something
invading my boundaries, I worry about how I project onto
others . . . makes me want to withdraw (i.e. my hermit nature)
so that I can influence no one . . . a left-over from
some kind of generalized anxiety disorder where you’re
always thinking that other people are thinking that you
are stupid, worthless, etc. At any rate, I digress 🙂

>>>A very important aspect of the acceptance and ‘healing’
>>>of all that is my relationship with Chris (Voice).
>>>I can talk and share with him about it all as it is
>>>talking about the breakfast we will have.
>>>It is part of our life together, it is part of our relationship.
>>>He says it is BECAUSE of it that we found each other.

You are VERY lucky to have found a soulmate who you can
share your internal landscape with, in the bonds of love.
I was not so fortunate. I was in love with someone
(long-term relationship) who I shared some intensely
personal difficult things with (because I was love!) and
rather than being supportive, the person responded with
rejection. That was a very poisonous relationship and
it’s taken YEARS to undo the damage and come home “to me”.
You are VERY lucky.

>>>After posting the meditation vs drugs posts
>>>I woke up grumpy. Exploring that feeling I sensed
>>>a part of me was angry with the postings. Not so much
>>>the actual content but the tone of it. That part felt:
>>>’Common woman 10 years later you are still complaining
>>>about it, you gained so much from it and all you do is whining.’
>>>I don’t feel that whining inside of myself in day to day life,
>>>yet as soon I talk about it outwardly I tend to go into oh poor me.

Some of that may come from the fact that it was a *very*
difficult experience for you, very personally challenging,
and yet a part of you may feel (rightfully so) that “no one
can really understand just how difficult this was for me
and/or no one can really identify with it fully”, part
of you may feel as if you “need to hide” the experience within
and not share it because of this reason and because the
last thing you want is for someone to judge you for it–
experiencing it was hard enough, someone’s inconsiderate
judgement of it could be like poison to something already sore,
and part of you may feel a little shameful for it, as if
you feel there was something you did that was wrong that
created the experience . . . as if you were at fault (even
though that’s NOT the case, because sometimes things just
happen and you can’t be held responsible).

Put all these things together in the preceding paragraph and
it can create the recipe for A LOT of internal frustration.
Thus if you DO share the experience, or least part of it,
it’s only natural that some of that frustration is going
to come leaking out. Even if you’ve come to “terms” with
it “yourself”, you haven’t come to “terms” with it
on a “community level” as ultimately it is a private matter . . .
So it is only natural that any fraction of expression of it
is going to be charged with raw emotion.

In other words, there is no reason to apologize or feel
guilty about the emotion that was expressed. It was
perfectly natural and understandable.

>>>30 minutes after posting my first one, the universe
>>>offered me a great mirror through a relative new client of mine
>>>who struggles with sexual and emotional abuse.
>>>I called her [some clipped]
>>>To my surprise the conversation took a turn where she
>>>expressed that she felt lousy that after 30 years she
>>>was still struggling with the past, like that part was
>>>too overwhelming and too big to deal with…
>>>~It was like I was listening to my own inner conversations
>>>of the past and very very recent present.

It’s sometimes spooky how things link together.
Almost as if: were you helping her or was the universe
guiding her to help you?

Fascinating.

Thanks for sharing,
Steven

I stand corrected, you’re both lucky. 🙂

Mutual compatibility is such a rare phenomenon in
and by itself, and then to add in a mutual
interest in (Daoist) spiritual cultivation,
you have a truly singular event.

Congrats to you both. ^_^

Smiles,
Steven

.

Thanks for your story. Wery sweat. I´m not shore if I understund the subtle shift, but from the rest of what you wright, I have at least some idea, there was actualy somea huge consequences. After all.

What happened with the polyamore, was that not a choise after your heart connection or is it still a possibility in your lifes? Even though married. Or is it completely unintresting.

What about your ideas in the earlier stages, when you was in loved but wanted to be a lover amongst others, was that difficult to accept, or deal with?

Otherwise it is always wery nice to hear about love stories, about a heart meating another heart and they both want to have eachother.

Yes it most be some difficulties having a relationship at distance, even though there is alot of oportunities to communicate this days, it is not the same as feeling eachother and being in eachothers arms.

I which you an interesting and developing relationship and marriage.

SD

The tuning of the heart to that of the other is simple yet complex – being open to feel their heart is listening and so is yin, and allowing them to feel your heart is radiating and so is yang. The opening of my heart to Wendy is different than just saying “here I am! this is what I am like!” but is itself a balanced yin-yang approach – listening for what works for her, and changing the broadcast to that frequency. It is dynamic, and I think that it is like dance (which I can’t do well!) or surfing (which I can’t do either!).

Polyamory provided a bridge for us out of our unhappy marriages. It was very clear to us and our partners very quickly that polyamory was not an option. It is not an option for at least two reasons.

First, neither of us wants anyone being romantic with the other. The depths to which we open ourselves for the other is too all-trusting and all-pure to allow anyone else into that space. Indeed, I have found that even looking at other women de-tunes my heart to Wendy. Since our tuned hearts give us strength and confidence in this world, this makes even looking at other people unsatisfying.

Second, our relationship takes a lot of work. Wendy is, like most women, HIGH MAINTENANCE! But, while some women’s maintenance means cars and jewelry, for us (and I am equally high maintenance as her!) the maintenance is emotional – peering into each other, listening to each other, accompanying each other – that there is just no space for anyone else in this.

But, this isn’t to say that polyamory isn’t a good idea for other people, or that there is even anything wrong with it – it just isn’t something that we are interested in.