retention, health, love, erection ups and downs.

Hello

Here I just start a description ower what I see as a problem I have had with my retention or not retention practise.

I have started my retemtion practise again. Usually I do it at the winter, which is the time where there are the most need of saving Jing. Well you loosing more at each ejaculation at the winter than what you do in the spring or summer.

This winter was not good for me conserning my sexual practises.

First the backround to my situation, shortly: I have had a serious illness the last 10 years, and during this period I decided to not engage sexualy with woman at all. I think it is exactly 10 year no since I was with a woman sexualy, except some experience lately. To be alone was a necessary choise at that time. I had to strugle for my survival and work at 100% to do things that might make me better. I have had some success with this and consider myself ready to meet woman again. During this period of time i had most of the time not much problem with being alone, and I did feel that my decission was right at that moment. From time to time though I fall seriously in love with some woman. During this periods of time I did not show to the woman that I was in love with them, beacase I have decided not to engage with any woman at all. Often I did it just pass by. This was the most difficult of times and it did hurt my feelings alot, untill the feelings for the particular woman did wanish. This happened with three woman during this time of 10 year.

The first woman was a woman that I was in love with in earlier years, about my 20 ties. She is realy gorgeous and I did try in those earlier years to go out with here, I had to ask her three times before she said yes. During that evening I took here on a dinner at a nice place, she was beatifully dressed and wery charming. We talket about many things and we realy liked eachother. Had many conections with eachotther. She is a singer and during this time she was on her way up in that businness. Actually the same day I did go out with here she had been meeting some other musicians that had seen something wery special in here. This was a starting point for her in the bussiness and she later went out to be a quite famnous artist in my country. During the years we did meet sometimes, but she did marry with an older man. Then she did divorce, but I was always with somebody else the few times we did meet eachother, but I allways felt that I liked here. Indeed alot! During my illness I did meet here and I did talk about some extraodrinary experiences in my practise. She invited me home to here one evenening and I couldn’t say no even though I had decided not to meet anybody, and even though I knew that this woman was absolutely one of my favorites. Well I was of course also happy that she had invited me to here home! We had a realy nice time and she told me some wery as I felt strange episodes in here life lately when she had had some wery bad experiences with Reiki healing. Thrue the Reiki she had come into contact with the dark forces or the devil, which from time to time happens especially for wery christian people, that are normally wery polarised between good and bad, so that the bad forces have greate power in theire uncounsious mind, I guess. Well we did meet eachother some times and I did even this time fell in love with tis woman. But I was in no way prepared to be with anybody not even with this girl. It ended up in a wery strong conflict in myself and I guess I did act in a wery strange way, at the end we didn’t continue meeting eachother. This story did build up greate frustration in my heart, you can imagine.

The second time I did feel in love with my kundalini yoga teacher. And I was inlove with here for a while. I did tell her my feelings and we did meet eachother in some social surcomstances but always with some other people involved. She had told me that in her yoga tradition it was strongly forbidden for a teacher to be with a student.

The third time has also been strange. I did fell into love but did also not show it to the girl that I did meet through some yoga events to. During the beginning of this love I was wery closed in my heart and did not show much afection to this girl. During some surcomstances she told me about a man she had met and I got extremely yelous. She had the feelings that we were friends and she knew I was interested in some different tantra and healing love traditions, that was the reason she told me the story, at least this was the outher reason. I did tell here that I was in love with her but not in a good way, more out of desperation I guess. With such a bad start with here I have never had a ballanced way of meeting her and I guess she couldn´t see if I was sincere or not or she most have felt that I was extremely unballanced, which I of course also was. I have felt more sexualy atracted to this woman than anybody else in my life! And I have been in love with here for many years now, but she has realy made clear to me that our relationship is something completely different than a start to a love affaire. She also did tell me that she didn´t believe that I was in love with here. Probably beacase I haven´t been able to show here any affection. I have had ten years of practise of not showing such afection. The situation had been looked in a wery long time, but I had not have any possibility to letting my heart stopping to love here at distance. Everytime that I do not work or when I do not keep myself occupied I have had so greate longings after her, but couldn´t see how I could continue this. In my mind I did not want to continue, beacase she was not interested in me. But sexually I was extremely attracted to here. During some of the times I did retention and I had no sexual feelings at all. It did feel like my sexuality was in sleep. Then I met here and my sexuality gone wild, I had so much sexual energy going around in my body so that I nearly gone creasy. I did give this a name. Sexual, and the word for when a nuclear craft producion center gone wild. I had morning erections more than 10 times each night, and the energy gone up to my head so that it felt as if the bones should crack there. And my erections was so strong that it realy did hurt. It was quite difficult to hold the sperm, I can tell you. Wery suprising to me beacase I did feel as if my sexuality was wery week at the moment, before I met here. My sexual atraction have wanished since those times, but my love in my heart to hear is still there. I did think of everyother nice or sexy girl as another girl, the woman I was in love with was always in my heart. Unfortunately I so no way to explain this to her or I so no chance that I could flirt with here in a nice way and our conversation the times we met was not at all as deep and profound as my inner feelings towards here. The situtaion was completely frosen, but I couldnt find interest for anybody else.

Then I decided that this can´t continue. I am going to be mad or totaly frustrated if I do not do anything to come away from this situation. At this point I did want to meet somebody else. But still after 10 years my inprinted behaviour was to not let anybody in. I decided that I wont put up fences against woman anymore. I have to stop it I have to let new woman have chanses. I did practise opening my heart to woman that seemed to like me. And I did practise to not let all thougths of hinder to go away. In this situtation I did actually meet a woman, but she was married and also she was my student. Normally one of this things had been enough for me to not continue, especially that she was married. But we did speak to eachoter more and more and it became I think for everybody obviously that something was going on. Some day we come to speak about it truly and bouth of us had feelings for eachother. She told me she was married or I think I did new it but she also told me that she was wery unhappily married and was on her way to divorce. During many conversations we come quite close to eachother and we started to have some quite light or not always so light sex with eachother. We did start alot of partys in the class and we always ended up close to eachother. I was actually in love and I was so happy that it was in somebody else and that I could share some rely nice feelings with someone after ten years of issolation. The summer came and she was gone in another country with her husband, I had no possibility to contact her and she did not contact me even though she had promissed to do so. I was extremely unhappy.

During this time I did some thinking and I decided that if she not will make our relationship known to other people then I will not have sex with here, at least not full intercouse. The winter came and we did meet eachother again, we did go out partying with eachother and did have some nice time. But it was not realy as before, I was hurt by the fact of the reality of here family situation. To end this story she decided to stop meeting me after that she did take here examination that was about one year ago. I have not been talking to her since that time. Strangely enough she did stop our relationship the day after that I myself had decided to actually sleep with here, even though the sistuation not had changed.

The breake was painfull. I had alot of feelings for here I had no one to talk to about this and she had forbidden me to take any more contact with here beacase she wanted to give her husband another chance and she wanted to save here family. I did not contact here either exept a sms six mounths later, that she never did answer.

During this longing my feelings for the girl I was in love with before this married woman was even stronger than before and me heart was realy aking. To many bad endings and to long time without real love, I was in a mess.

I realised that I couldn´t engage in retention, beacase then my feelings of unhappiness did grow even stronger. I had no real goal with my sexual practise and I fell back to looking at porn. Which of course not did me any happier. On the contrary the empty heart of such sexuality was devastating to my mental health. I did ejaculate more frequently than before.

During this winter I did develope a week erection. Something never had happend in my life before. The changing of the erection come ower time and so slow that it didn´t bother me at first, my unballanced heart was the real issue.

Somwhere at the end of the autum I started to do concentrated heart and kidney ballancing exercises. This felt intuitively wery good. The kidney energy did actually quieting down my heart and I did work true liers of pain in my heart. My love to this to womans did also grow during this process and that did also give me more pain to work true. The energies in the heart did also good for my week kidneys and did ballance out some soreness in that area to.

After some months with this practise and some other practises I am again on the road. The erection had been week but the pain in the heart was less troublesome. And why bother about the erection when I anyway did not have the girls I wanted? OF course this was not a good thougth but a part of the process back.

After ballancing the heart and the kidneys for awhile I did not dear to start retention again, but I did start to stop the looking at pornography. I did manage for long times but also form time to time I did do it some nights.

At least I was a bit scared of the weak erection. This is nothing I want to create in my life. Why does it happen, I have never had this problem before? Of course I knew I took a risk when I did alowe me to use porn as a part of my attempt to stop my sexual frustration. At that moment I couldn´t dare to do different. Together with so many other frustrations in my life, during this time, I had alot other problems and also financial problems. Problems wiht my exame work and other unballances as well. Perhaps I was not enough focused. I did still try to work on my general health problem, but did not manage as good as I wanted to, probably the haert issue was taking away to much energy for me and that issue was also more important to deal with than my health plan, which I realise now long time later.

I did start to seek help for my healt plan and have a profesional contact that I meet from time to time. I am now working with my health more seriously than ever before. I have also almost cleared out my finansial problems with the help of my work as a teacher. I have had completely new courses and at a bit higher level than before and I have actually been learning things myself.

In my helth plan I have now added retetion practise and aded the practise of not looking at porn. I have a new aproach where I actually alow myself to do everything of this, but I have different values for when I do things that I not want to and calculate values for each day. This is a new aprach of dealing wiht my health that I have been used no for about 2 mounts and it seems to be working fine, but I am still fine tuning the system.

I have also a nice qigong and yoga program and have found a program that is wery free and works greate for me. That might come in another thread later.

I have also had some contact with Eric Yudelove and he have given me some aditional exercises that are choosen to help me with my particular ailment. Those exercises have I added to a program I myself invented before I talked to Yudelove.

I have used retention and from having a quite bad erection, my morning erection have slowly been harder again ower time. But my sexual interest and sexual self esteem have been wery low, not knowing if my things should work in the proper way if I should meet a nice girl. This feeling I not like at all. My sex interest have been wery low, but not completely gone. I did consider this retentuion period as a sexual healing period, see if it helps against the week erection.

I was conserned about the low sex drive, but still quite calm inside, where I did feel that I am on my way to solve it. But not so shore that I wanted to talk about it on this forum more than in some wery vague ways.

Last week I did start my jogging practise and at the evening or night I was invented to a friend of mine that should make a nive evening wiht two gilrs he had met. He and me are knowing one of the girls well, but not the other. I thougth well why not, it sounds nice to meet this to ladies, that I knew where quite handsome.

Well the other girl was realy sexy, one of the sexiest girl I have met realy. She had almost a perfect body and was humble and intersting also in other ways. I had some difficulties in knowing where to look, beacase of here sexyness. Well the jogging and that girl in particular did turn me on completely, she has a relationship by the way, but I was just happy to feel the strong sexuality and the strong erection again, seing that things are going in the right direction. Then also both of the girls are wery nice to talk to so the everning was extremely joyfull, ecept the end that I not want to write about for the moment.

What I have noticed and learned from the retention practise is that it realy can change the sexuality in a man both to a wery nice directiuon and to a wery bad direction. I think the retention practise combined with a the bad relationships and the broken heart together with some porn and ejaculation was a extreme bad situation. But it anyway seems to me like that the retention practise are in no way anything that you can take light heartedly. This I of course already new in an intelectual way, but I had not exerienced it before so concretely.

This step backward and the lesson from it might be a blessing, beacase then I will be more able to realy choose the rigth path in the future, but perhaps not wothout some side steps, beacase the life is not a srtight line, but a curled and sometimes unsystematic path.

I think I am on my way to healing at many levels, but are not shore if my general illness will be better. Time will tell.

For the moment I want to streangthen my kidneys and my sexuality and keep on track with my general health plan, and to add more things on it from month to month. I want to build up my self esteem towards my sexuality and I want to keep a ballanced heart. I want to free myself form the unnourishing relationships and open my heart in a more realistic way towards the possible nourinhing woman I meet on my way through life.

Which me some luck please 🙂

SD Seeking the right path