Back from Hermitage

Just got back from my three week stay
at the hermitage . . .

Some highlights:

Life becomes much richer when you eliminate
distractions and all the silly little busy-busy
activities we do that serve no real purpose other
than burning up our time . . .

I spent my time destressing, sleeping a lot, doing
qigong, doing meditation, reading Taoist and other
spiritual materials, and listening to instructional CDs.

Silence is not empty.
Silence is fresh and full of energy.
Silence is warm and soothing.

I felt lonely around day 8,9 of the three weeks, but
that passed. I soon realized that if I were home,
I’d have the same feelings. I recognized that I was
feeling the constant unease that I always feel deep down
of needing to escape loneliness.

Nowhere to run. Nowhere to go. No matter where you are!

Once I realized this, I could feel the loneliness for what
it was, and not what it pretended to be. It’s a very
raw feeling–very tied in with fear. Ah yes, and fear.
I discovered a primal fear deep down. One that’s bubbling
ever and always in some stygian pit, despite whatever it
is I may be feeling on the surface. Yes, primal fear and
primal loneliness having sex in the blackest of hells deep
within–a devilish couple acting ever so subtly but ever
continuously on the greater self.

Did I oust this licentious pair or their
relevant malevolent acts of discontent?

No, sadly they still exist deep deep within
continuing their amatory malicious assault on my psyche.
But I know now that they are there. I know their address.

I have now returned to my apartment.
Trying now to reconstruct my life . . .
Preparing to return to a life of busy-busy . . .
So unmotivated to do so, however.
The busy-busy seems so pointless, and too superficial . . .

I am now clearing away clutter from my apartment.
I felt the weight of my belongings upon returning.
I’ve thrown out 8 garbage bags so far, and I’m just getting
started. It feels good to clear away what is inessential,
and most is inessential.

Steven